Silent Struggles

Hi again. Okay, not going to beat around the bush. I am suffocating, trying so hard to swim through the high tides, but how long can I stay afloat when the shore seems to be getting only further from my sight?

What is wrong? "Suffocating, really? Nothing is ever enough for this woman," people might say. Let me be clear: I am not a pessimistic person. I am all about optimism. Even on the saddest of days, I always try to cheer myself up. I always try to be positive about things, but it isn't easy. For someone with such huge dreams, where I have reached so far seems like nothing.

People around me are really nice, and sometimes caring and dear. But I still crave something else—someone with whom I can easily confide. Like writing on this blog or in my diary, will I ever find someone with whom I can directly talk about things? Things that might be silly to others, things that might be of little importance to most. Will I ever be able to talk about those things?

I do talk so much. I don't stop talking with some of my friends, but yet, they know nothing. Nothing about my deepest thoughts. Why is it so hard to talk about those things? Things I really should talk to people about, because carrying it forever now is really exhausting. Since I haven't really dealt with this already existing baggage, even a very tiny addition to it makes me weaker. It makes me want to crawl into my tiny, little hole and hide under my blanket, only to sob, hugging my teddy. I know I need help. I really know I should see a therapist, but I don't know how to start, where to begin. What will I even talk about? When did this all start? I think I have some answers, but I'm scared—scared to open up to a total stranger. That is why my heart and body crave a familiar presence in my life, just for someone to be there with me, holding my hand when I work on myself.

I am never going to make this person collateral damage, never. I'll just cling to that person for moral and emotional support, someone to be my home to walk back to and hug tightly. Someone who can make me smile and laugh when I feel the least like doing so. Anyway, this entry is becoming very bitter, and henceforth I will stop.

P.S. I’m not sad, but I just am missing something in life, and this feeling isn't going away. There is something heavy on my chest, which I can feel physically.