Bereft of a Solution

"I hate everything!" I yelled to my bedroom wall. A surge of anger turned my face red as I kicked at my cot, the physical manifestation of my discontent. Surprisingly, my agitation had nothing to do with a lover's spat or familial disagreement; rather, it was the continuous scroll through Instagram Reels that ignited my anger. The ceaseless repetition of the same audio, the constant stream of people showcasing their lives online, left me brewing with resentment. 

I just wanted to throw my phone on to the ground and stamp on it, break it into tiny pieces, make it unfixable—a fleeting thought swiftly dismissed. This feeling was replaced by a retreat to my Notepad. The disparity between my life and the curated snippets of the online world became starkly evident- no job, no romance, the uncertainty that lingers after my UG. My hobbies lacked purpose, devoid of the creativity I witnessed online. Despite my rational nature, self-doubt lingered, casting shadows on my every endeavor. 

My insecurities creep in on me like a ghost, haunting me at night, taking away my sleep and peace. The idea I always had, of a dreamy destinationless road trip teased me, for uncertainty always paralyses me.Daily, the "What Ifs" drive me to madness. Questions without answers pestered my restless mind at 2 AM, bringing tears to my eyes. Time flowed, yet I feel stuck. 

This becomes a confessional, bereft of a solution. No conclusions are within my grasp. In eight out of ten instances, happiness envelops me, yet the remaining two plunge me into the dungeons of despair. Self doubt fills me, and the fear of inadequacy is pulling me down. I wrestle with the nagging concern of missing out on life's offerings, despite advocating for finding happiness in life's simple pleasures. 

While I preach relaxation and embracing the mundane, it no longer suffices. A pervasive need to stand out, to be unique, gnaws at me continually. It is perhaps a hubristic quest for significance. The unquenchable desire to make a difference lingers, wondering if I'll ever leave a mark in the fabric of existence.