Could be my Love Story

It's sad, really sad, that I have so much love to give and yet, right now, I can't. I know people say, "Love is everywhere; shower your love on everybody and everything on this planet." And yeah, I get it. But loving everybody is different from being IN LOVE with someone—"the one."

I know in life we all look for different things—career, financial stability, social status, self-satisfaction, wealth, sound health, family, etc.—but none of these matter if you can't share them with someone you absolutely love. I do love spending time with myself, traveling alone, and taking selfies and vlogs of me yapping, but I want to be loved as well. I want to wrap my arms around someone in happiness and pain, in laughter and tears.

I love finding beauty in everything I see, finding positive traits in people. I glow with positivity. If I were to be an "Inside Out" character, then I would surely be "Joy." Always shining, wanting to be happy and make everybody around me happy. But I am nothing without my other emotions. I do feel sad, angry, bored, restless, and anxious all the time. Those feelings are always there, fighting to take over, but the Iron Throne in my brain belongs to Joy. She sits at the top because she is me. I am her.

Here we go again, no proper flow of thoughts, just randomly writing whatever strikes this brain of mine. But like I always say, this is my space, and I can write whatever I feel like, right?

I know a lot of good guys, I'm friends with a lot of great guys, but it's just really hard to fall for people. I don't know what I need exactly, and I don't want to just "jump into" a relationship. I want to "fall in" love. Jumping is doing it consciously, intentionally. That's not how love works, right? You just fall. You know it can make or break you, and you willingly fall; you're willing to give it that leverage over you. Well, that is love, right?

I don't know when that door will open in my life, but it is kinda sad until then. Because I know how much I can brighten his day just by existing as his girlfriend. Believe me, I'm not narcissistic; I just want to love him that much and also feel the same kind of soul-crushing love in return. I want to find his love language and make him blush by doing exactly what he wants. Like all those poems and songs, I want to find out what he likes, things he doesn't know about himself, and act accordingly. I want to make him laugh and smile, I want to just hug him so tight, cup his face in my hands, place a forehead kiss on him, and look into those prettiest set of eyes and tell him, "I love you and always will. I am here for you and always will be."

I want to see all his sides. I want to explore this planet, holding his hand, throughout our journey. I want to see him angry, knowing exactly how to calm him. I want to be the person he can cry in front of, the person he's not afraid to be vulnerable with because he knows I'll always be there, supporting him. I want to be the person he comes running to every time he's joyful. I want him to smile and yap about me to his friends, especially if he's drunk (I'd rather prefer someone who doesn't drink though :D). I want to pick up new hobbies so that we can spend more time together doing things we both love.

See, I did say I have so much love to give, and this is just a glimpse of what I crave. I know people usually keep this stuff to themselves, like in a diary or something, but I don't want to. I want to show off the imaginary world I've built for myself and him. I'm not a poet, so I can't just drop dead gorgeous poems for him, but I can write stuff like this. I would really appreciate it if the guy were someone who would read what I write for him, or else I would be really disappointed.

Whenever I talk about my expectations in love, people say, "Way too many expectations, bro," or "Your standards are too high!" Are they, though? When you really ponder this, you realize these are just the bare minimum in love. When you imagine loving someone so much, these things come naturally. Is it too much to want to be loved in the way I want? To expect our love languages to click and blend? Or to expect him to put as much emotional effort into the relationship as I do? Anyone can buy me gifts, but not everyone can SEE me. Is it really too much to ask to be "SEEN"?