9 Days to Fall into Tartarus

What is this ache in my heart that I am currently feeling? I really can't seem to put a pin on it. I have been feeling down for a few days now, and I really can't seem to understand why. Nothing has been off the charts, everything is normal. So why am I feeling different? Why is there crack in my heart? Why do I feel the bleeding so consciously? 

Does everyone have these kind of days, or am I just different? It's like my brain wants me to be sad, it makes no sense, because I thought my brain is on my side. Apparently not! 

I feel purposeless. I feel useless. I don't know what I am, or who i am. I feel like I am just existing, and I am so, so scared. Of failing. Of ruining everything. Of falling apart gradually, or worse, at once. 

Where are these emotions rooted from? Because theoretically I have nothing to complain about, yet that's all I seem to be doing. And i feel very alone, like I'm left to scream for help, but I can't find my voice. It's just gone. Maybe that's just symbolism, because i feel like I lose my identity. Or loosing it as we speak. 

It is funny how i keep falling into this abyss of extreme sadness. I want to cry, but my throat is dry and the sobs are caught there. Can't a person even cry freely? 

I am scared to ask someone to hold me tight, because that also means they can push me further if they put enough force into it, pushing me towards the ground faster. What is with all these metaphors? I tend to dissolve in the concept of metaphors in times like this. That's how I can express any kind of pain, I don't know any other way. Maybe it's easier to make it seem like something else because talking in descriptions about how hurt I currently feel feels so raw and exhausting. 

I know I am gonna make it out of this melancholic trap, but I really would appreciate some kind of hand pulling me out. But I turn around in desperation to see I am all alone, yet again. I mean I can see people far from where I am, I have to narrow my eyes to even figure out their faces. They seem like they wanna help, but they also look very helpless. Doesn't make sense to me at all. It's the thought that counts — well I call that "bullshit." Thinking doesn't move things, actions do. One saying "I wish I could help you," is the worst you can hear. 

I just gasp for air. Breathing harder, slower, like I am counting the number of left breaths. Will this horrible feeling ever subside? I see trees and the sky around me, yet it feels like I am not free. What else do i need? A pair of wings to fly closer to the sun? What is stopping me from being content with myself? What an i missing?

For someone who asks a lot of questions, I don't feel smart enough to find their answers. For the world, it would feel like I am just complicating life, but it's really hard to explain. You feel what you feel, and nobody can change that. I wish I could. I really do. But the more I push myself, the more I go down. The worse part is the continuous falling, at least if i hit the rock bottom, i know there is nothing that can go worse. 

They say it takes 9 days to fall into Tartarus, but it definitely feels like an eternity of falling. And i don't even want to be anywhere near there. 

I don't even want to be saved by anybody, but i wouldn't mind being held tenderly.